Grieving a marriage.........

I never understood how one person in the marriage could stop trying , stop loving , stop caring, to me that is the ultimate disappointment, you vow to spend the rest of your life with someone (which is a HUGE commitment) and one day they just pretty much decide they don't want you in their life.... how does this happen? Although we have'nt divorced or have'nt separated actions speak louder then words , body language says a lot too, and I'm being crushed over here. I want my family back , I want the person back that I married, I want him to love me again , but what did I do to loose his love to begin with? I could ask myself this until I was crazy, but in the end I will have the same answer....It's not me....
I am nolonger the person that makes him happy , I am no longer the person he wants to spend his life with and honestly maybe I never really was. you can't get water from a well that is dry.
Is it possible to grieve a marriage?
Is it possible to save a marriage or should I just give up, I believe if one person is willing to try it can be saved but honestly I'm so hurt right now I just want to crawl up in a ball and roll away. the old saying misery loves company, him being unhappy is really eating at me and bringing me down, and it's not worth my mental well-being...
I know I can be strong and get through this but it sure isn't easy and it hurts so bad.

It's just not fair....

I don't understand how a month ago I was writing about how wonderful David was , and he still is but now he has broken my heart. I don't think he realizes you can never change the damage of words, words are like a ghost that haunt you their all you think about in the middle of the night.. I have had my share of heartache in life obviously so it's kind of like let me just add this in, but I'm so tired of loving people only to later have them hurt me.. it's just not fair... I try to be a good person only later to find that it's never really good enough. Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to try your best and still feel like a failure. When I love I love endlessly and that's just it , I put up with a lot of unncessary hurt until I get to my breaking point, I just never thought in a million years I would feel this way because of something you said, I know that you realize now how much you have hurt me and I am thankful for that but I feel so torn, maybe if I knew why you felt the way you did to begin with I would feel more confident in our relationship because as of now all I can do is hope for the best blindly and that's just not fair. It's not fair to say you feel one way giving me no explanation why and I think that is what hurt me the most because truthfully I don't think you even know the reasons why you felt the way you did.

it's not fair to wake up when your having a better day to act as if I should not be hurt to act as if I should just accept the things you said to me as if my heart was never broken. I can forgive you but I'm not sure I can forget, and if I do will it only lead to more heartache. Love it seems it just is not fair....

My gaurdian angel......

I remember it like it was yesterday, I had my head down by my son's Isolette and she came up behind me, wearing all white curly blonde hair, she was wearing light natural makeup. and she says to me " you look like someone that could use some advice". I remember thinking to myself what in the world could she possibly have to say to me at a time like this that could help me.

she looked me dead in the eye and she says to me " God only sends his toughest trials to his strongest souls and your son is going to be ok". she turned and walked away and I never seen her again, I also want to mention the fact that there were several staff members around during our conversation and NONE , NOT ONE of them remember seeing this woman. I didn't realize it then but I know without a doubt she was either mine or my son's guardian angel.

Four years later, my son is everything the doctor's said he would never be, he is running , jumping typical boy , he has some growth delays and speech issues but he is walking jumping and skipping and he is here with me, I'll take what I can get, I never take a second I have with him for granted.

Becoming three.....

When I found out I was pregnant with our son I was filled with a million emotions it seemed, I was scared , overjoyed, and panicked. I honestly never thought this day would ever come. I found out I was pregnant when I was three months a long, having chronic female problems, I never realized that I could be pregnant. The doctors told me my cervix would never carry a pregnancy. Around 4 months I begin to have problems with spotting and I was diagnosed with a condition called Placenta Previa and they also told me our child would be born with Spinia Bifidia and he would never walk , none the less I wanted my baby. I knew GOD had a plan for me.

At 5 months I had to quit my job and go on moderate bed rest, at 6 months I was hospitalized for internal bleeding.

At 7 months I started hemorrhaging and my son was born into this world two months to soon fighting for his life. I can remember waiting for his first cry and I remember asking my husband and the nurses "Why is'nt he crying"? the room was silent.......... it felt like an eternity and I just closed my eyes and prayed and then I heard him cry for what seemed at least a good two minutes. I got to take one peek at him and he was rushed away to the Nicu.

When the anesthesia wore off and I could feel my legs again , I wanted to see him, I had to see him. Looking down at this helpless little baby my heart broke into a million pieces, I thought to myself it will be a miracle if he makes it out of here.
I couldn't bring myself to hold him because he was so tiny, do you know how horrible it feels being afraid to hold your own child, truth be told I was so scared to love him because I didn't think he was going to make it, I thought it might not hurt as bad if I didn't bond, but the nurse begin to explain that the preemie babies need that touch.

Three weeks later my worse fears were almost confirmed , he got a staph infection , coded and ended up on life support, my world came crashing in.
As I waited in the waiting room for the nurses I remember being so angry with God, I was telling him that all I ever wanted was to have a child of my own and it's not fair that people spit babies out left and right and now my son is suffering in the Nicu and fighting for his life , Where was he when I needed him when my son needed him? I prayed for God to send me a sign to show me he was right there with me and my son, through my tears I looked up on the waiting room wall and there was a perfect outline of a guardian angel , I could have traced it with a pen and it was like a calming peace came over me I will NEVER forget this day, I was little creeped out and wondering if my eyes were playing tricks on me from all the tears until she came
to me in person.

David

David saved my life in more then just one way , he reminded me that I am someone that deserves attention , I deserve to be happy and to be pampered. I deserve to be treated as a priority, and even now in marriage sure we have struggles but he provides very well for me and our son.
When we first got together I had no idea where I would be ten years from now, he gave me hope for a future, I knew he would always be there , he would be genuine with his love. He might not be the biggest smuggler or talker but I feel secure in his love , I know without a doubt in my mind he would never cheat on me , and I guess that is a big deal for me because of my childhood and past heartache, it's almost like ok you can cuss me but don't cheat on me....I think that is the UTT MOST disrespect in a relationship I don'y know maybe I'm crazy.... what do you think?

Surviving a Broken heart........

There is no magic remedy to survive a broken heart, after things ended with Jeremy I NEVER would have thought my heart would ever love again, and honestly in a way it never has , I have never allowed another person to have that much control over my emotions because I don't ever want to feel that weak again. I actually thought my life would end, my whole entire world existed of this one person. I will never open myself up to that much vulnerability again because well it sucked big time and I think any person can understand that when you've been crushed your crushed for a long time.

I never thought I would ever know what it would feel like to feel alive again because all I could hope for was death to fall upon me, I was in bad shape emotionally and physically.

Then I picked up the pieces one by one and I started working out, I started taking to people and I started loving myself again. It is so easy to love someone else more then you love yourself been there done that and it won't ever happen again, the past was hurtful but it has also made me a strong independent woman today, I'm proud of the fact that I love myself for me and I'm not putting myself down to allow others to hurt me.

surviving a broken heart begins with self acceptance.
and only caring about what makes you happy before you can bring happiness to another you must feel a certain joy within, and it makes sense because I know I enjoy being around happy people. Building your self -esteem back up to a high is crucial.

I used to think "ooh I wasn't good enough" now my attitude is " I can do better anyway".
seek out the faults in others rather then yourself because you will soon realize the person you thought was once "SO PERFECT" is not and it will make you feel better.

My saving grace was meeting an amazing guy online that made me feel alive again, he reminded me that there is a life out there worth living , things to do and see places to go rather then crying into my pillow every night and that person is DAVID.

The story of Jeremy.............

I met Jeremy my ninth grade year we were friends but I always thought he was cute... over the summer I called him and asked him out and we started seeing each other, in the beginning I thought he walked on water, I loved his family, they loved me, after the first year I started staying the night there sharing holidays with them, I pictured myself as a permanent fixture in his life forever.
After two years we had a few fights but it still was wonderful, everyone at school knew us as the couple that lasted the longest...:)

After three years things started to dwindle he became more controlling over me, he wanted me all to himself he was very jealous of my friends , so I gave him everything, I pretty much gave up my friends to keep him happy.
The fourth year things got really bad he became verbally and physically abusive and then I found out he cheated on me so we broke up I was devastated.
I was back at home in that hell hole my heart was broken I just wanted to give up, I actually wanted to die because I felt like the hurt would never go away at least when I was with Jeremy I had a "family" but after we broke up I had noone , no friends , no family life.

We were broken up for a whole year , dating other people and his mom called me out of the blue one day telling me she thought he still loved me and that we needed to try to work things out... so I called him we were together for 9 months and things weren't like how they used to be, I wanted out and fast, then I found out he had bought me an engagement ring that's when I really called it quits it's funny all those years that's what I wanted from him but deep down the thought of marrying HIM terrified me, that's when I KNEW it was over. we had already done way too much damage to our relationship to ever recover, Now I hear that he is married and has a kid and I think to myself wow! & years we dedicated to each other only to end up with someone else that's pretty sad if you ask me.... but at the same time I'm glad that we both finally found TRUE HAPPINESS