Becoming three.....

When I found out I was pregnant with our son I was filled with a million emotions it seemed, I was scared , overjoyed, and panicked. I honestly never thought this day would ever come. I found out I was pregnant when I was three months a long, having chronic female problems, I never realized that I could be pregnant. The doctors told me my cervix would never carry a pregnancy. Around 4 months I begin to have problems with spotting and I was diagnosed with a condition called Placenta Previa and they also told me our child would be born with Spinia Bifidia and he would never walk , none the less I wanted my baby. I knew GOD had a plan for me.

At 5 months I had to quit my job and go on moderate bed rest, at 6 months I was hospitalized for internal bleeding.

At 7 months I started hemorrhaging and my son was born into this world two months to soon fighting for his life. I can remember waiting for his first cry and I remember asking my husband and the nurses "Why is'nt he crying"? the room was silent.......... it felt like an eternity and I just closed my eyes and prayed and then I heard him cry for what seemed at least a good two minutes. I got to take one peek at him and he was rushed away to the Nicu.

When the anesthesia wore off and I could feel my legs again , I wanted to see him, I had to see him. Looking down at this helpless little baby my heart broke into a million pieces, I thought to myself it will be a miracle if he makes it out of here.
I couldn't bring myself to hold him because he was so tiny, do you know how horrible it feels being afraid to hold your own child, truth be told I was so scared to love him because I didn't think he was going to make it, I thought it might not hurt as bad if I didn't bond, but the nurse begin to explain that the preemie babies need that touch.

Three weeks later my worse fears were almost confirmed , he got a staph infection , coded and ended up on life support, my world came crashing in.
As I waited in the waiting room for the nurses I remember being so angry with God, I was telling him that all I ever wanted was to have a child of my own and it's not fair that people spit babies out left and right and now my son is suffering in the Nicu and fighting for his life , Where was he when I needed him when my son needed him? I prayed for God to send me a sign to show me he was right there with me and my son, through my tears I looked up on the waiting room wall and there was a perfect outline of a guardian angel , I could have traced it with a pen and it was like a calming peace came over me I will NEVER forget this day, I was little creeped out and wondering if my eyes were playing tricks on me from all the tears until she came
to me in person.