My gaurdian angel......

I remember it like it was yesterday, I had my head down by my son's Isolette and she came up behind me, wearing all white curly blonde hair, she was wearing light natural makeup. and she says to me " you look like someone that could use some advice". I remember thinking to myself what in the world could she possibly have to say to me at a time like this that could help me.

she looked me dead in the eye and she says to me " God only sends his toughest trials to his strongest souls and your son is going to be ok". she turned and walked away and I never seen her again, I also want to mention the fact that there were several staff members around during our conversation and NONE , NOT ONE of them remember seeing this woman. I didn't realize it then but I know without a doubt she was either mine or my son's guardian angel.

Four years later, my son is everything the doctor's said he would never be, he is running , jumping typical boy , he has some growth delays and speech issues but he is walking jumping and skipping and he is here with me, I'll take what I can get, I never take a second I have with him for granted.

Becoming three.....

When I found out I was pregnant with our son I was filled with a million emotions it seemed, I was scared , overjoyed, and panicked. I honestly never thought this day would ever come. I found out I was pregnant when I was three months a long, having chronic female problems, I never realized that I could be pregnant. The doctors told me my cervix would never carry a pregnancy. Around 4 months I begin to have problems with spotting and I was diagnosed with a condition called Placenta Previa and they also told me our child would be born with Spinia Bifidia and he would never walk , none the less I wanted my baby. I knew GOD had a plan for me.

At 5 months I had to quit my job and go on moderate bed rest, at 6 months I was hospitalized for internal bleeding.

At 7 months I started hemorrhaging and my son was born into this world two months to soon fighting for his life. I can remember waiting for his first cry and I remember asking my husband and the nurses "Why is'nt he crying"? the room was silent.......... it felt like an eternity and I just closed my eyes and prayed and then I heard him cry for what seemed at least a good two minutes. I got to take one peek at him and he was rushed away to the Nicu.

When the anesthesia wore off and I could feel my legs again , I wanted to see him, I had to see him. Looking down at this helpless little baby my heart broke into a million pieces, I thought to myself it will be a miracle if he makes it out of here.
I couldn't bring myself to hold him because he was so tiny, do you know how horrible it feels being afraid to hold your own child, truth be told I was so scared to love him because I didn't think he was going to make it, I thought it might not hurt as bad if I didn't bond, but the nurse begin to explain that the preemie babies need that touch.

Three weeks later my worse fears were almost confirmed , he got a staph infection , coded and ended up on life support, my world came crashing in.
As I waited in the waiting room for the nurses I remember being so angry with God, I was telling him that all I ever wanted was to have a child of my own and it's not fair that people spit babies out left and right and now my son is suffering in the Nicu and fighting for his life , Where was he when I needed him when my son needed him? I prayed for God to send me a sign to show me he was right there with me and my son, through my tears I looked up on the waiting room wall and there was a perfect outline of a guardian angel , I could have traced it with a pen and it was like a calming peace came over me I will NEVER forget this day, I was little creeped out and wondering if my eyes were playing tricks on me from all the tears until she came
to me in person.

David

David saved my life in more then just one way , he reminded me that I am someone that deserves attention , I deserve to be happy and to be pampered. I deserve to be treated as a priority, and even now in marriage sure we have struggles but he provides very well for me and our son.
When we first got together I had no idea where I would be ten years from now, he gave me hope for a future, I knew he would always be there , he would be genuine with his love. He might not be the biggest smuggler or talker but I feel secure in his love , I know without a doubt in my mind he would never cheat on me , and I guess that is a big deal for me because of my childhood and past heartache, it's almost like ok you can cuss me but don't cheat on me....I think that is the UTT MOST disrespect in a relationship I don'y know maybe I'm crazy.... what do you think?

Surviving a Broken heart........

There is no magic remedy to survive a broken heart, after things ended with Jeremy I NEVER would have thought my heart would ever love again, and honestly in a way it never has , I have never allowed another person to have that much control over my emotions because I don't ever want to feel that weak again. I actually thought my life would end, my whole entire world existed of this one person. I will never open myself up to that much vulnerability again because well it sucked big time and I think any person can understand that when you've been crushed your crushed for a long time.

I never thought I would ever know what it would feel like to feel alive again because all I could hope for was death to fall upon me, I was in bad shape emotionally and physically.

Then I picked up the pieces one by one and I started working out, I started taking to people and I started loving myself again. It is so easy to love someone else more then you love yourself been there done that and it won't ever happen again, the past was hurtful but it has also made me a strong independent woman today, I'm proud of the fact that I love myself for me and I'm not putting myself down to allow others to hurt me.

surviving a broken heart begins with self acceptance.
and only caring about what makes you happy before you can bring happiness to another you must feel a certain joy within, and it makes sense because I know I enjoy being around happy people. Building your self -esteem back up to a high is crucial.

I used to think "ooh I wasn't good enough" now my attitude is " I can do better anyway".
seek out the faults in others rather then yourself because you will soon realize the person you thought was once "SO PERFECT" is not and it will make you feel better.

My saving grace was meeting an amazing guy online that made me feel alive again, he reminded me that there is a life out there worth living , things to do and see places to go rather then crying into my pillow every night and that person is DAVID.

The story of Jeremy.............

I met Jeremy my ninth grade year we were friends but I always thought he was cute... over the summer I called him and asked him out and we started seeing each other, in the beginning I thought he walked on water, I loved his family, they loved me, after the first year I started staying the night there sharing holidays with them, I pictured myself as a permanent fixture in his life forever.
After two years we had a few fights but it still was wonderful, everyone at school knew us as the couple that lasted the longest...:)

After three years things started to dwindle he became more controlling over me, he wanted me all to himself he was very jealous of my friends , so I gave him everything, I pretty much gave up my friends to keep him happy.
The fourth year things got really bad he became verbally and physically abusive and then I found out he cheated on me so we broke up I was devastated.
I was back at home in that hell hole my heart was broken I just wanted to give up, I actually wanted to die because I felt like the hurt would never go away at least when I was with Jeremy I had a "family" but after we broke up I had noone , no friends , no family life.

We were broken up for a whole year , dating other people and his mom called me out of the blue one day telling me she thought he still loved me and that we needed to try to work things out... so I called him we were together for 9 months and things weren't like how they used to be, I wanted out and fast, then I found out he had bought me an engagement ring that's when I really called it quits it's funny all those years that's what I wanted from him but deep down the thought of marrying HIM terrified me, that's when I KNEW it was over. we had already done way too much damage to our relationship to ever recover, Now I hear that he is married and has a kid and I think to myself wow! & years we dedicated to each other only to end up with someone else that's pretty sad if you ask me.... but at the same time I'm glad that we both finally found TRUE HAPPINESS

The affair.........

When I turned around 13 years old I noticed something odd about my mothers behavior, and some of you will be shocked that I had the balls to write this in my blog but I do feel it has contributed to who I am today.

I would always want to go with my mom, and she would always tell me no not today maybe another day , another day NEVER came, she was hiding something and it was obvious! Then the day of truth came and our lives were changed forever a kid I went to school with said to me " your mom is cheating on your dad". Now just imagine being in the sixth grade and all the kids on your bus talking about what a hoe your mom is.....

so then after that day it ALL made perfect sense.... it's not that she didn't want to spend time with me she was having an affair AND IT WAS obvious!

so for two years I kept the "secret" to myself... until it took over me I began shoplifting , drinking , smoking pot anything I could think of to take me away from the betrayal I felt, until one day I was like my dad don't deserve to be the laughing stock of our community and I confronted her in front of him, of course she denied it but we all know the truth, my dad even realizes it now. after that our relationship has Never been the same. she disowned me told me she didn't
care if she ever seen me alive again blah! blah! well I'm sorry but you should not have been cheating on my dad! plain and simple!

It got to be way to much heartache to deal with so I moved out and in with my high school boyfriend Jeremy.

Growing up as a child....

So I guess it would make perfect sense to begin from the beginning, my childhood, growing up we didn't have much in fact you could say that we were classified as poor, my mom and dad scraped up what little money they had to make ends meet, my dad worked for a plastering company from early in the morning until 6 at night Mon-Friday and my mom worked from 6-10pm at a local handy way, my grandparents had money so they helped us out if need be, buying school clothes, babysitting, spoiling us, it was just my sister and I .

Being six years apart you can just imagine the fights that would take place between us, me and my sister that is, I didn't make things easy for her in fact I was the bratty kid sister everyone reads about the tattle tale truth be told I was jealous of her. My sister was always the one who got all the name brand clothes, and she was always my mothers favorite.

Growing up my mom would bake us cakes, braid our hair, hug us tell us she loved us but pretty soon that person would disappear forever.......